The Life of Keshao Krishna: The truth behind Jesus’ sun tan

Keshao Krishna, more popularly known as Jesus to the rest of the world, was believed to be a man of many talents. From sheep-rearing to carpentry, the man was a master of all trades. He was also known to perform miracles by curing sick people, even the ones not covered by insurance. Apparently, everything he touched turned to gold, sometimes even into wine. This clearly appealed to a lot a women, making Keshav Krishna a heartthrob among the ladies and some men.

However, being a total natural at being supernatural did have its disadvantages. Turning water into wine affected the liquor industry’s bottom-line, while healing the sick rubbed the pharmaceutical industry the wrong way. Thus, the captains of industry got together and decided to run a smear campaign to bring him down. In the meanwhile, Keshao Krishna’s promiscuity and personal life soon became the hot-button topic of ancient tabloids that fed the empty souls of archaic gossipmongers. This led to a period of depression during Keshao Krishna’s youth. After battling a life-threatening drug overdose that literally turned him blue, Keshao Krishna decided to take control of his life.

The story of Keshao Krishna being whitewashed by the old world western media could quite possibly be the crime of the millennium. The quest to unearth Keshao Krishna’s past may have led to several controversial books being published in the East. But, none of them managed to expose the complete truth, until now. As a green initiative to save paper, Keshao Krishna from now on will simply be referred to as KK. KK’s birth has been a topic that has been romanticized beyond erotic fiction targeted at middle-aged women. Both the white and brown versions of KK’s birth claim that he was born out of virgin conception. While this nice little U-rated fairy tale may have helped KK’s grandfather cope with the harsh reality of his daughter being a slut, it did not sit well with KK’s classmates in biology class.

KK spent his adolescence playing the “troubled soul” persona and pulled it off quite well. Unsurprisingly, this strategy worked well with the girls and got him laid plenty. As he began to get bored with easy access to female genitalia, KK began to understand that there was more to life than what meets the pelvis. He wanted to understand what made people tick, which is when KK took off his “troubled soul” mask off and tried to be more of a sociable person. The harder he tried to get close to people by being nice, the stronger people tried to snub him off.

As this was KK’s first real failure, it sent him into a downward spiral of depression and drugs. As he began to lose himself in the psychotropic effect of the gluten-free drugs, he began to aimlessly wander north towards the Himalayan terrain. As he ran out of drugs, he eventually became conscious of the fact that he was lost in the middle of nowhere. As the drug withdrawal symptoms started to kick in, KK was also tormented by hunger and the thought of an uncertain future.

Suddenly, KK remembered some of the Yoga techniques that his pedophile uncle had taught him a few years back. KK began to slow down his breathing and overall metabolism, thereby going into a sort of hibernation-survival mode. When KK woke up, he was surrounded by a few people with mongoloid features. Although delirious, he decided to gulp down the soup and fruits that they fed him. Once he was able to gather his thoughts, the reality that he had crossed over to an entirely different land hit him like a freshly dropped pile of cow dung.

KK, for the first time in his life, realized that he had to make himself useful to survive. He tried to teach the locals Yoga exercises targeting the facial muscles, mistaking the mongoloid facial features for some kind of facial deformity. While the locals were confused by KK’s gestures, they were nonetheless amused and treated him warmly. He began to frequently rest under the shade of massive old tree, and over time this tree became his new home. Sometimes, the people from neighboring villages and passersby would stop by the tree to rest. KK would give them water and fruits, and listen to them mumble about in a language that he scarcely understood. Due to KK’s linguistic limitations, he would only offer a smile instead of advice or opinions.

KK’s strange response mechanism somehow made people feel better, as a confession with a stranger positively impacted the human psyche. The news of KK’s healing powers spread far and wide, unwittingly transforming him into a cult-like figure. When he was hungry, he enunciated the “boo” sound to indicate that he wanted food. When people asked him questions and he was stumped, he would just retort “duh”. Eventually, people began to refer to him as boo-duh (i.e. Buddha) that sat under a tree.

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The Unremarkable Chronicles of Alex & Beth: Screenplay

FADE IN:

INT.HOME – DINING ROOM – NIGHT

ALEX and BETH are sitting at the dinner table. The stark silence of their wordless conversation is only drowned by the dim lighting at the dinner table.

ALEX

So, this is what it has all come down to, eh?

BETH

What do you mean?

ALEX

You exactly know what I mean!

BETH

Well, we both knew, in some nook of our brains, that this day was coming.

ALEX

So, you knew what I was talking about, after all.

BETH

Huh?

ALEX

You always do this. Every damn time. Pretend like you don’t have a clue about what I am saying.

BETH

Agrh! Here we go again.

LIL CHRIS

Go where, mommy?

LIL CHRIS ENTERS THE SCENE, HALF ASLEEP IN HIS PAJAMAS. (CAMERA ABRUPTLY SHIFTS TO A 5-7 YEAR OLD KID, AS HE APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE TO CUT THE TENSION OF THE SCENE)

BETH

Hey baby, you still awake?

LIL CHRIS

Didn’t you know arguing late at night is not a congenial environment for sleeping?

ALEX

It’s official..we’ve created a monster!

BETH

Well, well, well! Wonder where he gets his sarcasm from?

ALEX

Enough with the blame game, already! Hey, Chris, get back to bed, you freak of nature!

LIL CHRIS

My teacher says name calling is a classic sign of poor parenting. God knows what awful parents you are!

ALEX

Yeah, yeah! you’d anyways pick it up from MTV or whatever it is you kids are watching these days.

LIL CHRIS

It’s not just the name calling, Alex…err…daddy! Don’t even get me started about potty training.

ALEX

You know what, son? My dad always said winners do things their own way.

LIL CHRIS

Wait, did he say that when he was drunk or sober? Oh wait, I forgot! Drunkards are always drunk, right?

ALEX

Good one, my man. Good one!

BETH

Oh dear Lord! What I am gonna do with this one?

LIL CHRIS

Which one, mommy? the one that came inside you or the one that came out of you?

BETH

It’s time, Alex!

ALEX

Hmmm. I thought I’d never say this, but god damn it, YOU are right!

BETH

I guess it’s a welcome change, since you are the one that is ALWAYS right.

LIL CHRIS

Shhhhh…time for what? I’ve never seen you both agree about anything. I’m really curious.

BETH

Well, honey, it’s about something that your dad and I did. We want you to know that it is not your fault.

LIL CHRIS

Holy shit! Are you guys getting divorced? I can’t wait to tell my friends.

ALEX

If only wishes rode horses, my son. If only wishes rode horses!

BETH

No baby, we are not getting a divorce. What makes even think that?

LIL CHRIS

Ah, common sense!?!

BETH

Listen, Chris! It’s something important and I want you to focus. You too, Alex, FOCUS.

ALEX

You know what my dad used to say? You’d never need to advertise a good product!

BETH

Enough about your dad and his wisdom, for today.

LIL CHRIS

Yeah, I agree! Enough about him. That cheapskate got me a sweater for Christmas.

BETH

Chris, this is really important. I want you to listen to me carefully.

BIG BEN

Listen to what?

BIG BEN IS THE FAMILY’S MIDDLE-AGED NEIGHBOR, WHO OFTEN COMES UNANNOUNCED AND UNINVITED (CAMERA ABRUPTLY SHIFTS TO BIG BEN, AGAIN BREAKING THE INTENSITY OF THE CONVERSATION)

ALEX

Hey Ben, where the heck did you come from?

BIG BEN

I let myself in, seeing the door was unlocked. I didn’t want to disturb you folks by knocking the door.

BETH

How sweet of you?

LIL CHRIS

You’ve gotta be kiddng me, Ben. You couldn’t have come at a worse time. My parents were about tell me a deep, dark secret about my past and you ruined the moment.

BETH

It’s okay, honey. Ben can stay for this.

LIL CHRIS

Wait a minute! Is Ben my real dad? Did you do dirty-pokey with Big Ben, mommy?

ALEX

Euuw! What’s wrong with you, Chris?

BETH

It’s all your fault, Alex. Didn’t you watch that episode where Oprah says kids acquire perverted thoughts from their dads.

ALEX

Can we go on for one day in this house, without quoting Oprah?

BIG BEN

I agree!

ALEX

I wasn’t talking to you, Ben.

LIL CHRIS

Mom, can you just let the cat out of the bag? My head is spinning.

BETH

Okay, Chris, like I said before, this is not something to do just with your dad, but both of us.

LIL CHRIS

Oh my God! I know! I know! I’m adopted. Thank you, Jesus. Now, it all makes sense.

ALEX

Dude! you are NOT adopted. Get over it.

LIL CHRIS

You just like to ruin all my dreams, daddy, don’t you?

BETH

Chris, I want you to quit playing around. You are no longer in 2nd grade anymore.

ALEX

Yeah, you are in 3rd grade, son. The 3rd fucking grade.

BETH

Listen, Chris. I am no longer going to beat around the bush. Your father and I have been doing your homework all this while. Your teacher, Mrs. Robinson called today and told me that our behavior is unacceptable.

ALEX

Yeah, she even had the nerve to call that plagiarism. Pfft…whatever!

BETH

So, from now on Chris, you will have to start doing your own homework.

LIL CHRIS

Are you people, serious? How am I supposed to watch TV, sharpen my social skills on facebook AND do homework?

(SPOTLIGHT ON LIL CHRIS YELLING)

LIL CHRIS

And, thank you, Mrs.Robinson, for bursting my little bubble. For a few brief yet glorious moments, I actually thought that my parents might be something close to interesting.

FADE OUT


	

Renga and his Family Jewels

Renga was gay; he had to be.

Renga was gay for pushy domineering guys, preferably hairy with smelly unkempt balls.

Renga did not always know he was gay.

He just assumed that he would find the right girl, when the time was right.

As time passed by and the hair in his groin began to grey, Renga knew he had to make serious lifestyle changes.

Renga realized that now was the time to grab life by the balls and live it, rather than merely exist like a mega serial character.

 

Renga finally mustered up enough courage to search for gay bars near him.

Renga frantically Googled different combinations on his iPhone X purchased through MasterCard EMI, because peer validation is priceless.

Renga felt euphoria for the first time in his life, as he sifted through countless bytes of photos and reviews with weird emojis.

After a few hours, it was done. Renga had made up his mind. He would visit the Dragon’s Den, primarily because of the 15% discount on Wednesdays.

 

Renga decided to wear those ludicrously expensive Levis boots that he had got off Amazon, as an impulse buy after watching Brokeback Mountain.

Renga finished trimming off his nether regions and was looking dapper, or at least that’s what he thought.

He decided to take a Uber, as doing two irresponsible things on the same night just didn’t seem right.

Renga’s heart began to race faster than a turbo-charged petrol engine, as he neared the Dragon’s Den.

As a buffet of strapping young men and big hairy dudes stood by the entrance, Renga stepped into the bar to seek his destiny.

 

Renga suddenly woke up from his single bed, with a throbbing hard on.

Renga’s bed was wet. The first thought in Renga’s mind was “If I had gone moocha*, then why don’t I smell the stench?”

While still puzzled by this mystery, Renga decided to inspect his loins to gain more insight.

Renga screamed, “Aiyooooooo. It is missing. It is missing”

Renga’s voice broke as he yelled, “Where could it have gone, my god?” unconsciously pushing aside his atheistic tendencies.

Renga now began to scream hysterically, “It was passed down from generation to generation, how did I manage to drop the ball on this one?”

Renga broke down into tears murmuring, “How could I have been so callous with my family jewels.”

 

Renga knew that the time for whining and complaining was over.

He had to man up for once in his life, and find his 22-carat gold aruna-kairu*.

So, Renga poked the hairy dude sleeping next to him on the rickety single bed, in an effort to wake him up.

After multiple pokes and prods, the giant hairy man opened his eyes.

His breath reeked of Old Monk whiskey, but his calm voice overpowered the smell when he said “What?”

Renga mumbled about his missing hip accessory bequeathed upon him by his late grandfather Rengasamy.

The giant hairy man, without losing his calm, enounced “So, what?”

Renga now realized that he had brought a pussy to a cockfight.

 

Renga confronted the fact that he may have slept with a jewel thief or worse, a psychopathic jewel thief.

As a million thoughts streamed through Renga’s head, he needed a Plan B, fast.

Renga, now forcefully lowering a few octaves in voice, insisted “I need my aruna-kairu now.”

The giant hairy man, still unperturbed, stared deep into Renga’s eyes that simultaneously gave him a shiver and an erection.

The giant hairy man, now sitting upright, asked Renga “Do you think I took your fancy underwear belt?”

Renga, now rattled to his core, spit out a doubtful “Yes…maybe by mistake?”

 

The giant hairy man closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

Renga’s mind began to run awry, as he imagined different scenarios for his gruesome impending death.

The giant hairy man got up with a purposeful stride in his step, and headed towards a steel almirah* in the corner.

Renga thought the giant hairy man was going to loot all of his fancy foreign coin collection, before killing him.

Renga began to accept his own mortality, and took heart in the fact that he was at least not dying a virgin.

As Renga began to see visions of his late grandfather with arms wide open, the giant hairy man appeared.

He handed Renga his aruna-kairu, with a slightly disappointed yet unfazed look.

The giant hairy man said “you vomited all over yourself, and I cleaned you up”

Renga was filled with shame and guilt, as he had committed a disgusting thought crime of the highest order.

As the giant hairy man wore his leather jacket, he told Renga “you’re still a virgin, and I’m going back to my wife and kids.”

 

Glossary

moocha – piss, muthram, one bathroom

aruna-kairu – waist band, girdle-like ornament tied around waist of infants and children, sometimes well into adulthood

almirah – steel cupboard, godrej, alamareah