Renga and his Family Jewels

Renga was gay; he had to be.

Renga was gay for pushy domineering guys, preferably hairy with smelly unkempt balls.

Renga did not always know he was gay.

He just assumed that he would find the right girl, when the time was right.

As time passed by and the hair in his groin began to grey, Renga knew he had to make serious lifestyle changes.

Renga realized that now was the time to grab life by the balls and live it, rather than merely exist like a mega serial character.

 

Renga finally mustered up enough courage to search for gay bars near him.

Renga frantically Googled different combinations on his iPhone X purchased through MasterCard EMI, because peer validation is priceless.

Renga felt euphoria for the first time in his life, as he sifted through countless bytes of photos and reviews with weird emojis.

After a few hours, it was done. Renga had made up his mind. He would visit the Dragon’s Den, primarily because of the 15% discount on Wednesdays.

 

Renga decided to wear those ludicrously expensive Levis boots that he had got off Amazon, as an impulse buy after watching Brokeback Mountain.

Renga finished trimming off his nether regions and was looking dapper, or at least that’s what he thought.

He decided to take a Uber, as doing two irresponsible things on the same night just didn’t seem right.

Renga’s heart began to race faster than a turbo-charged petrol engine, as he neared the Dragon’s Den.

As a buffet of strapping young men and big hairy dudes stood by the entrance, Renga stepped into the bar to seek his destiny.

 

Renga suddenly woke up from his single bed, with a throbbing hard on.

Renga’s bed was wet. The first thought in Renga’s mind was “If I had gone moocha*, then why don’t I smell the stench?”

While still puzzled by this mystery, Renga decided to inspect his loins to gain more insight.

Renga screamed, “Aiyooooooo. It is missing. It is missing”

Renga’s voice broke as he yelled, “Where could it have gone, my god?” unconsciously pushing aside his atheistic tendencies.

Renga now began to scream hysterically, “It was passed down from generation to generation, how did I manage to drop the ball on this one?”

Renga broke down into tears murmuring, “How could I have been so callous with my family jewels.”

 

Renga knew that the time for whining and complaining was over.

He had to man up for once in his life, and find his 22-carat gold aruna-kairu*.

So, Renga poked the hairy dude sleeping next to him on the rickety single bed, in an effort to wake him up.

After multiple pokes and prods, the giant hairy man opened his eyes.

His breath reeked of Old Monk whiskey, but his calm voice overpowered the smell when he said “What?”

Renga mumbled about his missing hip accessory bequeathed upon him by his late grandfather Rengasamy.

The giant hairy man, without losing his calm, enounced “So, what?”

Renga now realized that he had brought a pussy to a cockfight.

 

Renga confronted the fact that he may have slept with a jewel thief or worse, a psychopathic jewel thief.

As a million thoughts streamed through Renga’s head, he needed a Plan B, fast.

Renga, now forcefully lowering a few octaves in voice, insisted “I need my aruna-kairu now.”

The giant hairy man, still unperturbed, stared deep into Renga’s eyes that simultaneously gave him a shiver and an erection.

The giant hairy man, now sitting upright, asked Renga “Do you think I took your fancy underwear belt?”

Renga, now rattled to his core, spit out a doubtful “Yes…maybe by mistake?”

 

The giant hairy man closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

Renga’s mind began to run awry, as he imagined different scenarios for his gruesome impending death.

The giant hairy man got up with a purposeful stride in his step, and headed towards a steel almirah* in the corner.

Renga thought the giant hairy man was going to loot all of his fancy foreign coin collection, before killing him.

Renga began to accept his own mortality, and took heart in the fact that he was at least not dying a virgin.

As Renga began to see visions of his late grandfather with arms wide open, the giant hairy man appeared.

He handed Renga his aruna-kairu, with a slightly disappointed yet unfazed look.

The giant hairy man said “you vomited all over yourself, and I cleaned you up”

Renga was filled with shame and guilt, as he had committed a disgusting thought crime of the highest order.

As the giant hairy man wore his leather jacket, he told Renga “you’re still a virgin, and I’m going back to my wife and kids.”

 

Glossary

moocha – piss, muthram, one bathroom

aruna-kairu – waist band, girdle-like ornament tied around waist of infants and children, sometimes well into adulthood

almirah – steel cupboard, godrej, alamareah

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