The Unremarkable Chronicles of Alex & Beth: Screenplay

FADE IN:

INT.HOME – DINING ROOM – NIGHT

ALEX and BETH are sitting at the dinner table. The stark silence of their wordless conversation is only drowned by the dim lighting at the dinner table.

ALEX

So, this is what it has all come down to, eh?

BETH

What do you mean?

ALEX

You exactly know what I mean!

BETH

Well, we both knew, in some nook of our brains, that this day was coming.

ALEX

So, you knew what I was talking about, after all.

BETH

Huh?

ALEX

You always do this. Every damn time. Pretend like you don’t have a clue about what I am saying.

BETH

Agrh! Here we go again.

LIL CHRIS

Go where, mommy?

LIL CHRIS ENTERS THE SCENE, HALF ASLEEP IN HIS PAJAMAS. (CAMERA ABRUPTLY SHIFTS TO A 5-7 YEAR OLD KID, AS HE APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE TO CUT THE TENSION OF THE SCENE)

BETH

Hey baby, you still awake?

LIL CHRIS

Didn’t you know arguing late at night is not a congenial environment for sleeping?

ALEX

It’s official..we’ve created a monster!

BETH

Well, well, well! Wonder where he gets his sarcasm from?

ALEX

Enough with the blame game, already! Hey, Chris, get back to bed, you freak of nature!

LIL CHRIS

My teacher says name calling is a classic sign of poor parenting. God knows what awful parents you are!

ALEX

Yeah, yeah! you’d anyways pick it up from MTV or whatever it is you kids are watching these days.

LIL CHRIS

It’s not just the name calling, Alex…err…daddy! Don’t even get me started about potty training.

ALEX

You know what, son? My dad always said winners do things their own way.

LIL CHRIS

Wait, did he say that when he was drunk or sober? Oh wait, I forgot! Drunkards are always drunk, right?

ALEX

Good one, my man. Good one!

BETH

Oh dear Lord! What I am gonna do with this one?

LIL CHRIS

Which one, mommy? the one that came inside you or the one that came out of you?

BETH

It’s time, Alex!

ALEX

Hmmm. I thought I’d never say this, but god damn it, YOU are right!

BETH

I guess it’s a welcome change, since you are the one that is ALWAYS right.

LIL CHRIS

Shhhhh…time for what? I’ve never seen you both agree about anything. I’m really curious.

BETH

Well, honey, it’s about something that your dad and I did. We want you to know that it is not your fault.

LIL CHRIS

Holy shit! Are you guys getting divorced? I can’t wait to tell my friends.

ALEX

If only wishes rode horses, my son. If only wishes rode horses!

BETH

No baby, we are not getting a divorce. What makes even think that?

LIL CHRIS

Ah, common sense!?!

BETH

Listen, Chris! It’s something important and I want you to focus. You too, Alex, FOCUS.

ALEX

You know what my dad used to say? You’d never need to advertise a good product!

BETH

Enough about your dad and his wisdom, for today.

LIL CHRIS

Yeah, I agree! Enough about him. That cheapskate got me a sweater for Christmas.

BETH

Chris, this is really important. I want you to listen to me carefully.

BIG BEN

Listen to what?

BIG BEN IS THE FAMILY’S MIDDLE-AGED NEIGHBOR, WHO OFTEN COMES UNANNOUNCED AND UNINVITED (CAMERA ABRUPTLY SHIFTS TO BIG BEN, AGAIN BREAKING THE INTENSITY OF THE CONVERSATION)

ALEX

Hey Ben, where the heck did you come from?

BIG BEN

I let myself in, seeing the door was unlocked. I didn’t want to disturb you folks by knocking the door.

BETH

How sweet of you?

LIL CHRIS

You’ve gotta be kiddng me, Ben. You couldn’t have come at a worse time. My parents were about tell me a deep, dark secret about my past and you ruined the moment.

BETH

It’s okay, honey. Ben can stay for this.

LIL CHRIS

Wait a minute! Is Ben my real dad? Did you do dirty-pokey with Big Ben, mommy?

ALEX

Euuw! What’s wrong with you, Chris?

BETH

It’s all your fault, Alex. Didn’t you watch that episode where Oprah says kids acquire perverted thoughts from their dads.

ALEX

Can we go on for one day in this house, without quoting Oprah?

BIG BEN

I agree!

ALEX

I wasn’t talking to you, Ben.

LIL CHRIS

Mom, can you just let the cat out of the bag? My head is spinning.

BETH

Okay, Chris, like I said before, this is not something to do just with your dad, but both of us.

LIL CHRIS

Oh my God! I know! I know! I’m adopted. Thank you, Jesus. Now, it all makes sense.

ALEX

Dude! you are NOT adopted. Get over it.

LIL CHRIS

You just like to ruin all my dreams, daddy, don’t you?

BETH

Chris, I want you to quit playing around. You are no longer in 2nd grade anymore.

ALEX

Yeah, you are in 3rd grade, son. The 3rd fucking grade.

BETH

Listen, Chris. I am no longer going to beat around the bush. Your father and I have been doing your homework all this while. Your teacher, Mrs. Robinson called today and told me that our behavior is unacceptable.

ALEX

Yeah, she even had the nerve to call that plagiarism. Pfft…whatever!

BETH

So, from now on Chris, you will have to start doing your own homework.

LIL CHRIS

Are you people, serious? How am I supposed to watch TV, sharpen my social skills on facebook AND do homework?

(SPOTLIGHT ON LIL CHRIS YELLING)

LIL CHRIS

And, thank you, Mrs.Robinson, for bursting my little bubble. For a few brief yet glorious moments, I actually thought that my parents might be something close to interesting.

FADE OUT


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