The Life of Keshao Krishna: The truth behind Jesus’ sun tan

Keshao Krishna, more popularly known as Jesus to the rest of the world, was believed to be a man of many talents. From sheep-rearing to carpentry, the man was a master of all trades. He was also known to perform miracles by curing sick people, even the ones not covered by insurance. Apparently, everything he touched turned to gold, sometimes even into wine. This clearly appealed to a lot a women, making Keshav Krishna a heartthrob among the ladies and some men.

However, being a total natural at being supernatural did have its disadvantages. Turning water into wine affected the liquor industry’s bottom-line, while healing the sick rubbed the pharmaceutical industry the wrong way. Thus, the captains of industry got together and decided to run a smear campaign to bring him down. In the meanwhile, Keshao Krishna’s promiscuity and personal life soon became the hot-button topic of ancient tabloids that fed the empty souls of archaic gossipmongers. This led to a period of depression during Keshao Krishna’s youth. After battling a life-threatening drug overdose that literally turned him blue, Keshao Krishna decided to take control of his life.

The story of Keshao Krishna being whitewashed by the old world western media could quite possibly be the crime of the millennium. The quest to unearth Keshao Krishna’s past may have led to several controversial books being published in the East. But, none of them managed to expose the complete truth, until now. As a green initiative to save paper, Keshao Krishna from now on will simply be referred to as KK. KK’s birth has been a topic that has been romanticized beyond erotic fiction targeted at middle-aged women. Both the white and brown versions of KK’s birth claim that he was born out of virgin conception. While this nice little U-rated fairy tale may have helped KK’s grandfather cope with the harsh reality of his daughter being a slut, it did not sit well with KK’s classmates in biology class.

KK spent his adolescence playing the “troubled soul” persona and pulled it off quite well. Unsurprisingly, this strategy worked well with the girls and got him laid plenty. As he began to get bored with easy access to female genitalia, KK began to understand that there was more to life than what meets the pelvis. He wanted to understand what made people tick, which is when KK took off his “troubled soul” mask off and tried to be more of a sociable person. The harder he tried to get close to people by being nice, the stronger people tried to snub him off.

As this was KK’s first real failure, it sent him into a downward spiral of depression and drugs. As he began to lose himself in the psychotropic effect of the gluten-free drugs, he began to aimlessly wander north towards the Himalayan terrain. As he ran out of drugs, he eventually became conscious of the fact that he was lost in the middle of nowhere. As the drug withdrawal symptoms started to kick in, KK was also tormented by hunger and the thought of an uncertain future.

Suddenly, KK remembered some of the Yoga techniques that his pedophile uncle had taught him a few years back. KK began to slow down his breathing and overall metabolism, thereby going into a sort of hibernation-survival mode. When KK woke up, he was surrounded by a few people with mongoloid features. Although delirious, he decided to gulp down the soup and fruits that they fed him. Once he was able to gather his thoughts, the reality that he had crossed over to an entirely different land hit him like a freshly dropped pile of cow dung.

KK, for the first time in his life, realized that he had to make himself useful to survive. He tried to teach the locals Yoga exercises targeting the facial muscles, mistaking the mongoloid facial features for some kind of facial deformity. While the locals were confused by KK’s gestures, they were nonetheless amused and treated him warmly. He began to frequently rest under the shade of massive old tree, and over time this tree became his new home. Sometimes, the people from neighboring villages and passersby would stop by the tree to rest. KK would give them water and fruits, and listen to them mumble about in a language that he scarcely understood. Due to KK’s linguistic limitations, he would only offer a smile instead of advice or opinions.

KK’s strange response mechanism somehow made people feel better, as a confession with a stranger positively impacted the human psyche. The news of KK’s healing powers spread far and wide, unwittingly transforming him into a cult-like figure. When he was hungry, he enunciated the “boo” sound to indicate that he wanted food. When people asked him questions and he was stumped, he would just retort “duh”. Eventually, people began to refer to him as boo-duh (i.e. Buddha) that sat under a tree.

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